We'll Live a Life Alight

Mar 05

We are the generation that never breaks up

everything we do, everything we say is recorded—written in stone for years to come.  Pictures, words, videos, numbers laughing to themselves in their little frames, kept safe by servers, screens, clicks, and desires.  

If this is how it is, then let it be as it must—with digital exigencies begging to wake up

Feb 25

There exists a point

in which the anger subsides to smolder and leave a tinge whereupon nothing more than a stubborn itch and resolute emptiness reside.

There comes a time when love, a far-off fallacy, comes so near to breaching—that is until the trust issues set in.  Though we learn, we do not always grow.  We shrivel, and we wither while we boast behind the bashfulness.

There lives a memory at the end of the tape where the sound doesn’t play just right and the image is fuzzy—captured ‘forever’ on that faulty camera in our head.

There lies a man, little more than a shadow, by the rock down the road where you’d kiss me like you meant it.  Some say he hates it when they stare.

There exist unhealthy things

Feb 25
Unhealthy things pt. 2

Unhealthy things pt. 2

Feb 25

Unhealthy things

"I took a mind-picture of Ryan today. I painted it perfectly in my mind, as to never forget how beautiful he looked. How happy. Our legs were intertwined, he was wearing nothing but his “ironic, self-aware..” shirt. His hair was playfully ruffled from the wrestling, and his eyes were brighter than I’d ever seen them before. I remember thinking, right now, Ryan Gardner loves me. Right now, I love Ryan Gardner. I kissed him and remembered him there, brushing out the kinks in my hair and smiling like a man in love. I will never forget that image. I will remember it when I feel like love is too far away, and I’ll feel his bright eyes on mine. I hope he knows that he’s the love of my life.


Feb 25
Dec 15

moving art

and moving people

through motion pictures


Dec 11

Blocked, a Speech Without and Within

this will undoubtedly be my final post:

no one reads this anyways so might as well make it a long one:

if she wishes to succeed in her future relationships, a word of advice,

1. you don’t shut your eyes just because the sun is out—when the rain comes, strong couples don’t leave each other out in the cold
2. there is no “ready” in separation, it just happens, and the more you hold others back, the messier the situation becomes
3. make your priorities important—don’t just take the back seat because it’s easy—give and take is crucial to establishing a positive, two-way ebb and flow
4. find appropriate means with which to exert your frustration and learn to give and take when it comes to come to commiseration. But, more importantly,
5. you need to start being honest with people, from little, transparent lies to serious deception, you hurt more than just yourself when you do these things.  Whether they be from a place of insecurity or fear of doing harm to others, regardless, they inflict more pain when the truth finally comes out (which it always does) due to the dishonest packaging they had been wrapped in.  
6. expect change: in any long-term commitment people will change and sometimes into forms incongruous with our previous expectations.  but it is our responsibility to not hinder growth, but nurture it and grow from it.  if the growth is in directions we find ourselves incapable of functioning alongside of, then it is perfectly acceptable to consider separation, but never harassment or abuse.
7. for every word we speak, we should expect to listen to another. and finally,
8. be clear about your expectations with your partner.  for god’s sakes, if you don’t tell them, how can they ever understand?  an equal power dynamic is essential to function, and lack of clarity in communication, rather self-explication, has disastrous results

be well and be happy, please.  if this was inappropriate, I don’t really fucking care cause it was just as much a proclamation outwards as it was inwards.

and for the last time,


Dec 10

She and he no longer exist

Many years gone to predictable circumstances

too many sacrifices made for too little gain

She and he no longer exist

God, I miss Jay

Dec 02
memes are generally foolish, this one is not—out of the ordinarily wise

memes are generally foolish, this one is not—out of the ordinarily wise

Dec 01

This whole tumblr thing is so foreign to me now

but I suppose I could say a few things about myself:

New remix coming out with the chance to get on Warner Bros. Records (granted it’s not rigged or they actually like our stuff *fingers crossed so hard it hurts*).  Regardless, it’s a beautiful track and should at the very least touch a few ravers in the right way.  Who knows, maybe it’ll get us more work—wouldn’t that be nice.

Halfway through writing my thesis for next year—a film about a boy and a girl, Colby and Rory.  A dissection of how we communicate with each other, I’ve split the functions of my personality into two characters with the intention of watching them grow together in the hopes that their ability to find love and connection will reflect on my ability to feel a wholeness and truth in myself (it’s been a long 6 months to say the least).  It’s 1-part indie romcom, 1-part soap-box-the-subtext, 1-part overanalysis, and 1-part relentlessly honest.  Coming out 2015!

Poetry’s taken the back seat, though I’ve done a few pieces lately.

Gonna quit smoking for good at the beginning of Winter Break.  Took a five-day hiatus and was proud of myself for being able to do it.  Addiction sucks.  After dealing with all the shit I’ve had thrown at me over the years (mostly from myself, but a bit from others), I refuse to let myself become beholden to any external encumberment other than my own.  So yeah, fuck death sticks.

Love sucks.  Love really sucks.  Nothing feels right.  Bodies either feel like jagged paths without belonging or amorphous sinkholes racked with regret.  I lost a lot to uncertainty, but later found out many much more disturbing things pertaining to the whole (we don’t talk about it)-situation.  And recently too, I mean, all the way back to October 2012?…Really? …Whatever, I couldn’t even be bothered to care about any of that hell anymore.  Mistakes and regret is all I will take away from this until the next cycle begins with someone who will convince me that it doesn’t have to be that way.  Or maybe she’ll be in the same position as me, and we’ll grope towards a feeling we can’t possibly reach from having been bent over backwards one too many times.  Gabe’s girlfriend was right, I do too many things I despise to forget my love life, my sex life, and every shred of romance I had ever believed existed.  Move on.  Remember the good days and miss the memories, not the person.  The bed’s made, so sleep well, but not in mine.  Happiness is not a commodity, but an expression of internal beauty projected externally.  Heaven is real and its found in that which makes us whole and is that which makes us human.

But remember:

Never say “hate”

Never hold back

and for God’s sakes, Ryan, stop dating fucking photographers.