Tonight I made the biggest mistake of my entire life
and it’s times like now that the cold fingers of death feel all the more welcoming for such scorned, dirty, horrible souls such as mine. I would understand if she never trusted me again. I would understand if she never wanted to see my face again. I would understand if her mom gave her all the “I told you so”s in the world. I would understand if she left me waiting by her doorstep years after all is said and done. But nothing would or could change how much I love her, and how badly I wish it didn’t have to go this way. If anything could just take me to the future, when I can love with my hands and my heart, for her, by her, with her, and from her. Needless to say, I hate myself for this. I hate all of the parts of me that did this to her. I wish I could kill the side of me that brought this unimaginable pain. But I will someday learn to forgive myself for this terrible wrong. And in learning to forgive, I will learn to love and love fearlessly like the lion I should have been, like the lion I had been—the lion I will be. It’s not to say that this is in any way a declaration of hope, rather this is a requiem for a dead part of my and her selves. Parts that I can only pray will one day heal instead of scar, soften instead of callous. I hope we will have the kind of wisdom years from now to see this as not a good bye, but as a see you soon. And as much as that makes me the ass and the scum-ridden, there can be no other way with which our forelovers were able to see this path through to happiness, a truer happiness—together. My skin will itch for yours every day we’re apart. My head will throb for each hour we can’t be. My heart will ache for each moment we are separate. And though I’m sure you’ll believe not a single word of this, I assure you, I will only have one love as long as I shall live. I don’t care how long I’ll wait either. None else in this world are worth the time or the effort as winning your trust, your love, and your self back which I dedicate myself to my whole life long.
I love you always.
xoxo
I am closing this blog up.
I may return, I may not.
I am not deleting any old posts, the archives will be there forever, my love, don’t fret.
I am moving here —-> http://spun-ink.tumblr.com/
It started as my poetry portfolio for ENGL 216, but I’m going to make it my new account where I just post prose, poems, songs, musings, and other things I create.
Love you all
xoxo
Assumptions are the death of a relationship. If you think you know what’s going on inside someone else’s head, think again. We imagine that love gives us the power to read one another’s mind, when all we are really doing is reading our own. It’s a great self-defense mechanism but no substitute for actual communication. The very best way to know what’s really on someone’s mind is also the riskiest: you have to ask them.
Tonya Hurley (via blua)
This is so powerful and true
Ryan,
It’s not much,
But I needed you here with me this morning
So I took you with me, wherever I went
And gave my sunrise and the following hours to you.
Don’t worry,
B
Fantastic work. Some of those shots took my breath away. I love you fearlessly
